28 Years Later...

Tomorrow is my Birthday. I think honestly the first birthday I have tried to push away, the first birthday, I don't want to celebrate. I'm not ready to celebrate 28 years.

Which are better? The odd or even years? I've had my children at age 23 & 25 got married at 25, went back to school at 27, shoot cant forget turning 21! And for the life of me, I cant remember anything exciting at 22, 24, or 26. So 28 I feel has no worth. I feel it has nothing good to offer except getting closer to 30.

So CHEERS to the last 28 years of my life...as I cringe typing that number.












Here is the last 28 years (The Short Version)...

I was born May 17th 1985, right here in good ol Escondido California. Yes I haven't gone far.
My father wasn't around much shortly after that, I have vague memories here and there, when I try my best to dig deep, all I come up with is a cement truck ( he used to drive them).

My Grandparents were my rock, my stability, my home away from home. Everything you could want in a mother and father. They made me stronger, love more, grow and be a child. Taught me my prayers and my lullibys, "you are my sunshine" songs. Took me EVERYWHERE with them, Ocotillo, Glamis, Lake Havasu, street fairs, garage sales, camping trips & car shows. I owe my life to them.

My mom tried, she tried her best to be a single mom, but that comes with struggles, struggles she gave into. Later met a man she would have two more amazing children with.

First came my sister when I was 4, she was my best friend, still is. I loved her SO much. Reminds me of the love Chloe has for Rylan. Totally unconditional. Two more years later came my brother. I was 6 at the time and was quite confused when my mom left to have my brother and didn't come home with him. For a month I heard of a brother but didn't see him. I later foundd out he was very sick, and very small, not expected to live. Born at 1lb premature. He had fit in the palm of my mothers hand- she used to say. With my mothers constant love and attention, in and out of the NICU for a month, he finally came home. I remember staring at him, amazed at how small he was. I would try to stick my finger in his hand, and he was so strong i couldn't get him to open his fist. If any of you know my brother today, you would say, that is nearly impossible. There is NO WAY that kid was born at 1lb!!

Fast forward a few years. Our childhood was hard, very hard. For years I blamed my mom for it, and who knows maybe it was her fault, but I look back and found many times that she gave so much love and care, and did the best she could. She was on top of our education, and our physical needs. Emotionally there was a block. My mom was physically abused, and was abused in front of us. My brother and sister were also abused. I was only verbally abused, merely because I was not his kid. We moved. A lot. When we couldn't pay the bills, we picked up and moved.

In 3rd grade I left, went to live with my grandparents in Valley Center. Made new friends (again) made a new and calming life for myself. I felt happy again. I felt really really good. Almost a year goes by, and I am standing out front of my elementary school waiting for my Grandma to come pick me up. And here comes my "Step Dad". I think I died emotionally again that day. A total let down, confusion, why him? I knew at that moment, it was time to move back home. Even today I have always wanted to ask, "why mom"? "Why did you bring me back to that place"?

I think I already know the answer. I think it was Gods plan. I needed to be the bigger sibling, I needed to raise and take care of my baby sister and brother, because my mom was too weak. And so I did. I covered their eyes when need be, I took the blame for them when they were in trouble, I walked them to the bus or to the store, I made them dinner or breakfast. They needed me, and I took charge. So maybe that was Gods plan all along, but its taking me 28 years to see clearly. Without me there, who knows, I have a feeling my "Step Dad" could have run off with the kids. Which he did try to do once.

Fast forward to middle school. Somehow, in someway, God granted my Grandmother power. The ultimate power to force my mom to leave that "Evil Step Dad". She packed us up, and moved us back to Valley Center. The BEST thing she could have EVER done for us & for herself. I think for my "Step Dad" is was never about the kids, I think it was about the abuse and control he was able to have. He never came after us, never came to see the kids, called maybe once every 3-4 months, never sent gifts or cards. I had to be there when my baby sister cried for her Daddy. She was of course the favorite out of "his kids". She asked a lot of questions, and was confused. She didn't understand why Daddy didn't come home, or why he didn't want to see her. That year he disappeared, and Cristina never heard from her Daddy again. This has scarred her, especially so whenever boyfriends walk into her life, although she will NEVER admit it.

Middle & High School were a breeze. School was never an issue for me. I was with a good crowd, good school, good home. Boyfriends here and there, some serious, some not. Three years of Prom. Life was good. Moved out at 18 with my boyfriend at the time, a little too early but oh well. WELL...Here is my problem: because I had no real father figure or authoritative man in my life, I craved Male attention. I needed it. Now its not necessarily a sexual thing, but I needed the love and attention and knowing someone is there. I had not had it for so long, that as soon as I did I never was without. I ALWAYS had boyfriends. I cant remember the last time i was single, even till now. There were NO gaps. Now you may think this sounds a little slutty. Well it may have been, but it was an emotional attachment that I needed, not necessarily a physical. I still struggle with this today, always needing to know my husband loves and cares.

I immediately married a few years out of High School, because at the time I was {In Love}! And I'm sure I really was. This boy was so good to me. Seriously cared and loved me. Life was fun and young and dumb. After a while I literally felt like I was growing older, ready to move out of my moms house, get a real job, stop the partying, time to get real. With that "growing older", I was growing further and further away from my husband, because he was stuck at being young. At this time I had no clue that women mature way faster the men. That it literally takes 10 years to mature after High School for men, and women 3-5 years. That is a HUGE difference. I tried to make it work but the differences started to grow and I guess you could say I gave up. Yes I GAVE UP. We were too young, jumped in too fast, and for not having kids yet, the best thing to do was to walk away. I still love him very much, he was my best friend. But till this day, nothing has changed for him, and everything has changed for me.

Fast forward to my second husband. Yes my second. We got pregnant with Chloe accidentally. Not even dating for a year yet. Yes it happens to the best of us. She was the best unintentional decision we have ever made. She changed us both for the better. She made us the best parents we could have ever hoped for, for ourselves. She is an angel. Commitment was always a hard thing for my husband, still is. So marriage wasn't in the stars for me at that time. Two years later we intentionally got pregnant with Rylan. We have been blessed with the most healthy, happy, amazing children. We may not be blessed with luxury items, but my husband is the most amazing dad, a dad I had always wished for myself, its a blessing in itself. Having a harder childhood has made me the mother I am today and has taught me how to teach and nurture my children. To this day I am still very much a mother to my siblings, and feel as though I have 4 children instead of 2. Sometimes I wish it differently, I feel like I am the only child wishing for a sibling, but I have to center myself and remind myself they are there, and they are happy and healthy. Who knows what would have happened had I not come home in 3rd grade.

In the last 28 years there have been SO MANY struggles, triumphs, tears, and laughter. There has been mistakes made, and goals achieved. I have tried my best to be strong but am sometimes very weak.

My grandmother said something yesterday totally off subject: " Soon books will be a thing of the past. Those pages you touch, that cover you open will be gone. Technology (The Kindle) will be the new book. Don't forget the book, and appreciate the book now. Always remember where the book came from".

This may not have anything to do with my short version of my life, but dig deeper. It means everything.

Translation: "Soon my life will be a thing of the past, my mind, my body, myself will be gone. I will leave a trail of me behind in kin. Don't forget my life, appreciate my past, & present. Always remember where you came from, it makes you who you are today".  -Nicole Nestor